that strange ‘propelled’ feeling

Tails.

It was tails.

Tails to not do the interview or entertain the process in any way. I should have heeded that bloody coin.

Thinking like what I had supposed was a sensible person, telling myself things like “it’s what a responsible adult would do” I went to the interview and in spite of myself put that old familiar ‘professional’ hat on, and nailed it. Knocked it out of the park. No one else in the running. Bollocks.

They got in touch a few days later to set up a final interview in a couple of weeks time. Double bollocks.

I didn’t want the job in the first place and it was looking like my new life would fizzle and splutter out on the floor of my inability to let go of the familiar. Which was all making me pretty miserable at the thought. Stupid sense of duty.

Fortunately, when the final interview came around my son had an event on the same day, meaning I had to email them to postpone, resulting in a somewhat galling “is he taking the piss” type email to the recruiting agent from the firm. It took that to galvanize me. I knew I had reservations about the kind of company they were, and was concerned that the niceties shown at the first meeting may only have been skin deep. The manner and tone of that email confirmed what I had suspected.

I replied, thanking them for their time but politely bowing out of the race.

Since then things have got a little exciting, in the relief of no longer having to consider a job I didn’t want, I opened my mind to other possibilities, just as some possibilities seemed to be hammering past me on the freeway of opportunity, I stepped out without looking and was comprehensively twatted in the back of the head by one of them, and I’ve been pushed along with it ever since.

In the week since I quit the job I never got, a new business is in the process of being born, one that I seem to be driving, and that would be pretty effin cool to be a part of. I’m signed up on an instructors program for something that has been, until now, a hobby of mine and I’m happy and super excited about the future.

Moral of the story?

Listen to the coins.

Hopefully it was Destiny calling, not Disaster.

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as soon as you thought it was safe to sit down…

Yesterday was my last day in work. Laptops handed in, ID cards relinquished. I left work early (even by my standards) and spent the day with my girlfriend and son, relaxing out of the office lifestyle, shrugging it off like an old jacket that was too small, old broken zips pricking at the skin and collar chafing. I wallowed in it, savouring the feeling of being outside, in work time, with no looming disquiet at the mess projects might be in on my return, no childish guilt for bunking off school. Just being, and talking the sunny day away. Sure the niggling thoughts about how the hell I’m going to pay the bills are there, but they’re a way off yet, I’ve got some time on my side for a change.

Today had been much the same, the weather has sensed my mood, it’s warm, sunny and the breeze brings just enough air to cool the balmy heat away, not too cold, not getting fried in the heat. Just sitting on the grass being grateful for it.

This evening has been a little less Zen.

Just before we went out on the customary guides/scouts pick up run I got the phone call. An interview. (I’d applied to a few places before deciding to take voluntary redundancy, this is one that I’d forgotten about as they’d taken so long to get back to me) 9-5, office based, an hour’s commute each way. And when all’s said and done, potentially a fuck-tonne of money.

First world problems eh?

It’s pretty much exactly what I want to get away from, this morning I’ve been working on the bones of a plan that may, with a lot of luck and work, enable me to afford the bills. Those bills are still there y’see, the mortgage, debt and taxes, they all still need paying.

I tossed a coin. Heads I go for the interview, follow the beaten path to wherever it leads, after all, maybe the universe is telling me something. Tails I bin it and throw the dice being a full time hippy. Fuck the consequences.

Came up tails.

Where to start?

It’s difficult to know where to begin.

I know that the way I’ve been living for the past few years, though sensible and safe and typical, is not what I want. I know it doesn’t make me happy or fulfilled. So, when my employers and masters dangled the Golden Boot of redundancy (sorry, “paid leavers scheme”) I decided to let my heart do the thinking for once. One panicked week later, I’m now 2 working days away from having no job at all.

This is scary.

If I’m not going to do what I’ve always done, then what am I going to do? The answer, I think, is as much as possible. If I can do it and generate money too, then great, I’ve bills that need paying and debts to balance so it’s not like I’m free of financial worries, just free of income at the moment. I’m going to try lots of stuff, and I’m going to chronicle it on here. What works, what doesn’t, what’s fun and what isn’t. I have my IT skills to fall back on as a last resort, I’m going to make stuff, sell stuff, build stuff, teach stuff and above all, learn. Maybe along the way I might just break even. We’ll see.

Hello world!

 

Literally. Hello World!

I’m an IT network engineer. Or should I say, I was an IT network Engineer. I still have those skills, I might even use them, but I’m no longer going to be defined by it. When people ask me “what do you do?” that’s not my answer any more.

What is my answer? No idea, that’s not the point.

The last 15 years of my life have been spent in the vast majority over a keyboard, bent almost double focusing on the millions of lines of device configuration, white on black, black on white, sometimes green on black. My eyes have dulled, my back, neck and shoulders now ache more than they don’t. Other office dwellers and laptop pilots will I’ve no doubt feel some affinity. I have worked all through the industry, made my way up the ladder, earned more than my 20 year old self would have ever thought possible. I also got stressed. And ill. And angry.

Well, bollocks to it. I will not waste my life staring at these screens. There’s a world out there that doesn’t have to wait for me to join in to be awesome. It’ll be awesome whether I’m there or not, and if I miss out and only get there when I’m 60 or 70, on whatever withered and desiccated version of ‘retirement’ I’m deemed fit to partake in, the world will not give a shit. It will still be awesome, but I will be an old, knackered, heart attack and stroke veteran with less than one usable decade ahead of me. Fuck that. It’s not worth it.

I choose life.

Also, I quit.